I Can't Find the Mute Button!!!

Today is Twinkle's last day at home for Christmas break. I had the grand idea that we could run a few errands this morning.

She's 5 1/2. She can handle errands. Besides, the girl desperately needs pants. She's had a growth spurt and, go figure, the 4's from last year are too short. AND we desperately need some form of sustenance in the house besides Christmas cookies.

We had a snack before we left - at, like, 11. I realize as I'm typing this that she actually did great for the 2 1/2 hours we were gone. I, on the other hand, apparently have someone lurking inside that takes advantage of low blood sugar to burst forth and spew green pea soup.

First, we went to TJ Maxx looking for Twinkle pants. Nope. Nothing.

Then, we went to Pier1 to look for a calendar for me. Who knew that the only time to buy a calendar was November and December. Oh, it's January 3rd? Sorry, you're SOL. We here in the year 2007 don't buy things like calendars so FAR into the new year.

Next, we went to Target. Somehow, every time I go to Target, it becomes a black hole that sucks away my will to live. Truly, I love Target, but there comes a point when suddenly "urge to kill, rising" comes to mind. Knowing that this could happen, I decided I was ONLY going to Target to look for a calendar and Twinkle pants. Yes, I need to buy groceries. Yes, they conveniently SELL groceries. But, if I try to buy things on BOTH sides of the store I could end up driving into a bridge abutment on the way home. (Not that there is one. But, I'm sure I could find one.)

So, the journey into the black hole begins. We choose a cart. Twinkle: Mom, this cart has trash in it. Me: All carts have trash it them. Let's remove the piece of paper and move on. First stop, calendars. Hmm. I need a wall calendar for Twinkle. Napolean Dynamite? Kittens? No to both. Desk calendar for me? Nothing but the "Mom Planner" with a section on each page for "this week's menu". Yeah. Right. I'm standing in the calendar section within the book section. So, I wander over to office supplies. Several cursings later over why I could possibly want to buy an UNDATED calendar, I found something that will work.

Oh, did I mention that the cart won't actually turn? When I "turn" corners, I actually drag one end of the cart making a lovely sound on the floor. But, no, I didn't go get another cart. Twinkle's already in this one and we're ONLY here for calendars and pants. So, on to the pants. Turns out Twinkle is somewhere between a 5 and a 6. OK. Calendar? Check. Pants? Check. Time to go. We wander toward the checkout. I'm tired. I'm getting hungry. It really doesn't make any sense to drive to Kroger when there is a grocery store IN the store I'm in. [Insert ominous music here]. So we go to the OTHER side of the store. The swirling vortex begins. 40 minutes later we're finished with groceries and back at the checkout.

Now, mind you, this ENTIRE time Twinkle has been talking non-stop. To me, to other shoppers, to boxes of fruit snacks. NON-STOP. Eeek.

So we stand in line behind one other person who insists that she really doesn't think she's already used that gift card. So 3 different Target employees come over to perform the same actions with the gift card to try to make it work. Hey guess what! The computer says you've already used it. MOVE ON!!!!

15-20 minutes later, the crap is loaded into the car, Twinkle is loaded into the car, I'm about to back out and I notice something on my pants at the knee. Turns out that the non-turning cart from hell had mostly dried laundry detergent down the front of it where I'd used my lower body to make the damn thing go around corners.

Now, my dog keeps coming up and sniffing my knees. And Twinkle is STILL talking.