Monday, April 2, 2007

How Long Could It Last?

Sigh. If only you could hear me yelling "SERENITY NOW" as I said I would.

Though not surprised, I'm a little saddened that what sends me into a tailspin is Twinkle.

I love her beyond measure. I cannot fathom a world without her.

But, after the serene weekend of no stress, annoyance or raised voice, the mom with the head that spins all the way around, who spews pea soup, is back. My shoulders have migrated back north to somewhere near my ears. I feel exhausted.

I just read this post over at Slouching Towards 40, and feel somewhat better. I guess the old grump Twinkle is channeling needs a hearing aid.

I know it is not her fault. She does not "make" me feel the way I do. I'm responsible for my own reactions. But, it's like water torture. I can only take so many drops on my skull before I break down. I am getting better at recognizing my reactions before they make their way into actions. I can leave the room before I spew the pea soup on her. But, sometimes I don't make it out the door and I get angry. And I spew. Nothing verbally abusive. No berating. No flying coffee cups. I'm understanding why I once had to duck a flying coffee cup, and then clean up the mess when I was younger. I'm not saying it's right, and I will NEVER do that to Twinkle, I'm just understanding it more.

I'm getting some serenity back. I'm coming back together. I just needed to get it out here and not on Twinkle. She recognizes my body language when I'm angry at her and she asks if I'm happy yet. She gives me kisses and hugs and asks if I'm happy yet. I tell her it isn't her job to make me happy. She tells me she loves me bigger than the sun and asks me if I'm happy yet. I get tears in my eyes and tell her thank you for helping me feel better and she looks at me as if to ask why I'm crying if I feel better. We snuggle. I assure her of how much I love her. And all is right in her world again.

I'm left loving my child. Hating that I can feel so crazy. Wanting to find a way to stay serene. To keep my voice and shoulders down. To live without that jaw clenching, shallow breathing feeling that I get sometimes. To give my daughter positive ways of dealing with stress and annoyance. To be that peaceful person I glimpsed over the weekend.


slouching mom said...

I'm sorry it was a rough day. We all have them, we all go from 0-100 sometimes without enough provocation...

Don't be too hard on yourself. She knows you love her.

Mar-y Beth said...

Hang in there, mamma. You are doing good.

Isn't it so hard to put down that old baggage? My shoulders are like rocks.