I think I figured something out at 12am. I've been wondering why I'm feeling so apathetic lately. I'm going to NYC tomorrow, for heavens sake, and I'm not jumping out of my skin with excitement.
So, last night, as I was lying in bed for the 3rd night in a row unable to go to sleep, it hit me. It's not apathy. It's anxiety. Whether I actually recognize it doesn't matter. There's a lot of anxiety going on right now in my noggin.
There are things to be anxious about, I'll admit. Everything from how am I going to handle 2 kids, to leaving Twinkle for 2 weeks to go get the baby, to not settling on a name. How can I not have a name for this child? Because she's already been given one in China? Maybe. We kind of had a name picked out, but Mr. Swizzle suggested that maybe it didn't flow well with her current name which will be her middle name. He does have a point. It doesn't sound bad, but there are probably names out there that would sound better. I think I just want or NEED to choose a name for this baby to lose some of the anxiety that I'm feeling. But nothing is grabbing me by the heart. I just don't know.
It's kind of like trying to make yourself fall asleep. The more you try, the harder it becomes. I just need to let go and name her Bookcase, or Hat (although that's really more of a boy's name).
Anxiety feels like depression, a little. I've been wondering if I really should have gotten off of my medication last August, if this was something that I wouldn't be feeling if I were still taking it. As I write that sentence it occurs to me that some things need to be felt. Maybe not the debilitating variety of things like depression or anxiety, but where I am right now, I should be feeling this.