Friday, October 19, 2007

The Decision Has Been Made

Well, mostly...

I haven't actually made the call, and deciding to do that could take a few weeks, but I've PRETTY MUCH decided that I'm going to get back to my doctor and get back on my happy pills.

Shortly after Twinkle was born, and I honestly can't remember how long - could be a few months, could be a year - I started taking Welbutron. I have a wonderful doctor who thinks it's silly for people to suffer from any level of depression with so many wonderful medications available. I stopped taking it a little over a year ago.

Lately, I've been keeping to myself a lot. Partly by choice, partly by being "homebound" while Sparkle naps. In the process, I fear I'm alienating some of my friends. While they may have always realized that I'm not the best at returning phone calls and such, I think my recent disappearance is throwing them off.

Most of my friends don't realize that lately I spend most days irritated. Just generally irritated. I can't pinpoint any one thing that irritates me. Though, I can say that I'm irritated by things that really shouldn't irritate me.

I find that I'm not enjoying my girls. Sparkle is on the verge of walking. I should be encouraging that, but it seems like I hardly even play with her. She naps pretty well, but most days when she wakes up from her nap, I just think "can't you sleep a little longer?" Twinkle is pure joy in her very core. I'm afraid I'm going to mess that up with all the snapping at her that I do.

And Mr. Swizzle? He's at least above the dog in the order of things around here. Well, except for when the dog was sick a couple of weeks back. Then, he may have been at the bottom.

Last Sunday, I left the house around noon to go to the church for a knitting gathering. I was really looking forward to it. I had a blast. But I have to admit, when I left the house I thought, "My family isn't expecting me back until 3 or 3:30. I could just get on the freeway and drive. How far could I get?"

Having taken happy pills before, I know I can feel better. Yes, I want to feel better for me. Certainly. But, my family and my friends deserve a happy, less cranky Mrs. Swizzle.

Now I need to just make that phone call.


Duchess of Insanity said...

So sorry you have been feeling this way....but I can completely sympathize. I have snapped at everyone near and dear to me for stupid things like macaroni on the tile. Somehow I have managed to snap out of it for the time being. Having another baby/child is a HUGE adjustment, and you didn't have that newborn (non-mobile, sleep all day, take naps in car seat while shopping baby) time to prepare yourself. You jumped in head first....and you are doing an awesome job. Sparkle, Twinkle and Mr. S all adore do your friends. Especially me. I'm sorry I just stopped calling and IMing and trying to get together. You didn't seem like you wanted, but maybe it is just what you needed. I have been terribly worried about you and sad for me at the same time because I was going through a rough time and needed my friends more than ever. And I miss you. I hope Dr. G has some good ones for you (I am assuming it is Dr G). I'll start planning a GNO...maybe a spa day??? Hang in there. Love ya!

Miss Smarty Pants said...

Sorry that you are blue. I hope that you make the call soon for your sake. Life is good, and we should enjoy it as much as we can. My problem is I know what the right thing to do is, and often don't do it anyway. Why are we so human?

mary beth said...

I thought I responded to this earlier but comment is gone. Yea for you, 100%. You are doing great and you deserve to be enjoying that...

love ya