I haven't actually made the call, and deciding to do that could take a few weeks, but I've PRETTY MUCH decided that I'm going to get back to my doctor and get back on my happy pills.
Shortly after Twinkle was born, and I honestly can't remember how long - could be a few months, could be a year - I started taking Welbutron. I have a wonderful doctor who thinks it's silly for people to suffer from any level of depression with so many wonderful medications available. I stopped taking it a little over a year ago.
Lately, I've been keeping to myself a lot. Partly by choice, partly by being "homebound" while Sparkle naps. In the process, I fear I'm alienating some of my friends. While they may have always realized that I'm not the best at returning phone calls and such, I think my recent disappearance is throwing them off.
Most of my friends don't realize that lately I spend most days irritated. Just generally irritated. I can't pinpoint any one thing that irritates me. Though, I can say that I'm irritated by things that really shouldn't irritate me.
I find that I'm not enjoying my girls. Sparkle is on the verge of walking. I should be encouraging that, but it seems like I hardly even play with her. She naps pretty well, but most days when she wakes up from her nap, I just think "can't you sleep a little longer?" Twinkle is pure joy in her very core. I'm afraid I'm going to mess that up with all the snapping at her that I do.
And Mr. Swizzle? He's at least above the dog in the order of things around here. Well, except for when the dog was sick a couple of weeks back. Then, he may have been at the bottom.
Last Sunday, I left the house around noon to go to the church for a knitting gathering. I was really looking forward to it. I had a blast. But I have to admit, when I left the house I thought, "My family isn't expecting me back until 3 or 3:30. I could just get on the freeway and drive. How far could I get?"
Having taken happy pills before, I know I can feel better. Yes, I want to feel better for me. Certainly. But, my family and my friends deserve a happy, less cranky Mrs. Swizzle.
Now I need to just make that phone call.