Or To Put It Another Way

I think I figured something out at 12am. I've been wondering why I'm feeling so apathetic lately. I'm going to NYC tomorrow, for heavens sake, and I'm not jumping out of my skin with excitement.

So, last night, as I was lying in bed for the 3rd night in a row unable to go to sleep, it hit me. It's not apathy. It's anxiety. Whether I actually recognize it doesn't matter. There's a lot of anxiety going on right now in my noggin.

There are things to be anxious about, I'll admit. Everything from how am I going to handle 2 kids, to leaving Twinkle for 2 weeks to go get the baby, to not settling on a name. How can I not have a name for this child? Because she's already been given one in China? Maybe. We kind of had a name picked out, but Mr. Swizzle suggested that maybe it didn't flow well with her current name which will be her middle name. He does have a point. It doesn't sound bad, but there are probably names out there that would sound better. I think I just want or NEED to choose a name for this baby to lose some of the anxiety that I'm feeling. But nothing is grabbing me by the heart. I just don't know.

It's kind of like trying to make yourself fall asleep. The more you try, the harder it becomes. I just need to let go and name her Bookcase, or Hat (although that's really more of a boy's name).

Anxiety feels like depression, a little. I've been wondering if I really should have gotten off of my medication last August, if this was something that I wouldn't be feeling if I were still taking it. As I write that sentence it occurs to me that some things need to be felt. Maybe not the debilitating variety of things like depression or anxiety, but where I am right now, I should be feeling this.

Wanna Plant

Here we are, almost at the end of March. It's a crazy time at Maison de Swizzle. Kind of.

You know how sometimes it seems like you have so much to do? And in reality you probably do, but none of it is just overly pressing, so not a lot gets done. But it seems like there's a lot to be done? I could make a list here of things that I need to do, but it really is pretty dull and uninspiring.

There are things I need to do that are everyday things. Yawn. Laundry, etc. The things that will always need to be done.

There are out of the ordinary things that need to be done, like all of the preparation for our trip to China sometime in May. But hey, that's May. I am doing those things that require time, like applying for visas, but there are other things I could do that I don't feel the need to do just yet.

This is a time when the title of this blog is really fitting. I have that swizzle stick in the top of my head and a lot of things bumping into each other inside my brain. It's times like this when I just want to go outside and plant something.

[I'm so unfocused that I just stopped right here in the middle of this post to check to see if my FedEx to my adoption agency had been delivered yet.]

Anyway, planting. I love gardening. I love getting dirt under my fingernails. Sometimes when I'm planting a bunch of plants, I'll stop and just sit and play in the dirt. Without gloves! Gasp!

"So, go out and plant something", you may be saying. If only it were that simple. See, all of those things that I think I need to do (because I do need to do them) are keeping me from planting. That, and the fact that I'm convinced we'll have one more cold spell that would undo all my hard work.

Mr. Swizzle and I are spending the weekend in NYC. He's actually already there today, and I'm going up on Friday. It will be a much needed get away before things get really crazy around here. We don't even have any plans made except maybe eating lunch Saturday in Central Park. We'll visit with friends we haven't seen for a few months and just hang out. Where are we going to eat? I don't know. Take in a show? Probably not since we don't have tickets and it's Wednesday. All that non-planning is feeling great right about now.

Maybe when I get back, I'll get those flower beds ready for some full on planting.

We're Baaaack

Spring Break is over. We had a lot of fun at my parents' all week. Twinkle really got into digging weeds with Granny. WTF? I've got plans for that girl.

Twinkle is back in school. I'm getting back into my usual routine, but hopefully not too far in. There is definitely room for improvement in the routine.

After reading Elastigirl's "Day in the Life" post, she reinforced my belief that I am one of the laziest people I know. Elastigirl assures me that I'm not lazy, but if I were to do a "day in the life" post, I would be exposed for the slug that I am.

We are getting busy getting things ready for going to China. Hopefully it will be at the beginning of May. I'm going to have to start making lists, like I did today, of the things that I have to do or I'll just get overwhelmed. But guess what, blogging wasn't on today's list. Ah, well. Neither was brushing my teeth.

You know, if nothing else, I'm just proud to make it to the gym every week. Right now it's about 2 times/week. I'm working on getting there 4 times a week. That is the interesting thing about working with a trainer. I know that if I weren't, I probably would have trouble getting there at all. As it is, I do get there when I have appointments with the trainer, but I've fallen off going the other days of the week. Gotta work on that. But hey, going from not exercising at all to lifting weights and cardio at least 2 times a week, is no small feat.

Now if I could just manage to run that Roomba on a regular basis. How sad is it that I forget to turn on a robot that vacuums for me? Mr. Swizzle really gives me grief on that one.

Ah, Spring...Break

It's Spring Break this week. Wooooo. Padre!!!!

Kidding. I never went to the beach for Spring Break in high school or college. Now, with 5 year old in tow, I'm heading to the back woods of East Texas.

A better way to describe it would be we're going to spend the week with Granny! Also known as my mom, but Twinkle calls her Granny so, Granny it is. T is so excited. We're going tomorrow and coming back on Saturday. Not sure if I'll post anything. They do have dial-up, so they aren't too far out into the woods. Maybe some artsy pictures of the woods. hmmmm. Well, that would actually have to wait until I got back home because...uh...dial-up.

T said yesterday that she wanted to stay at Granny's until Saturday. Today I received a reminder email about a birthday party on Saturday at 11. It's for a baby at our church who just turned 1. T is actually friends with his sister. I asked her if she wanted to go to the party if it meant coming back Friday instead of Saturday from Granny's. She said, "I'm actually friends with B, not M, so it'll be ok." So, the girl is bypassing birthday cake and a party for Granny time. I can't wait to tell my mom.

I'm not sure what the week will entail, but I do know that it will end too soon. I guess it's a good thing, but I really enjoy spending time with my parents. Whenever we go during the summer, or on Spring Break like this, I always feel like I could spend several more days. Don't get me wrong. Both of my parents have habits that annoy me, but so does pretty much everyone else I know. They are just pretty easy to ignore while I'm there.

Mr. Swizzle left for Cali today and is coming back tomorrow, after T and I have already headed for the woods. So, we both got kisses from him this morning and will see him on Saturday. Who knows what his week will entail. I just hope he remembers to feed the dog and the newt.

If It Wasn't Pancakes, It'd Be Something Else

As I was getting ready this morning, Twinkle came into my bathroom in a perfectly chipper mood. "Mom, I don't need to eat breakfast. We're having green pancakes at school."

"That sounds great", I said. "But, you know, your teacher didn't send a note home about it."

"Yeah, she's going to send home a note today."

"Then honey, I think maybe you're having pancakes tomorrow, not today."

Twinkle went on to insist that it was today, and she wanted green pancakes today, and, and, ....TEARS.

Oy. She managed to stop crying, but was still very droopy. And whiny. She needed me to carry her downstairs. She needed a lot of holding and babying. She finally felt a little better.

We started breakfast and she, as usual, wanted a straw for her OJ. I was forced to remind her about the straw incident from yesterday which ended with OJ all over the table, floor, chair, her. More tears. Sigh. These tears didn't last as long, but yeeshk.

So, we finish breakfast. While she's "using the facilities", she says she doesn't want to go to school. "But today is art!" I remind her. "I'm too tired for that." Everything I list, she's too tired for.

Now, mind you, whenever Twinkle behaves like a 5 year old, Mr. Swizzle thinks she's sick, and I roll my eyes. Mr. Swizzle had already left this morning, but I still heard him asking if maybe she was sick.

So I told Twinkle that maybe if she was too tired for those things, that she should indeed stay home from school and go back to bed. She wasn't that tired.

But she did stay whiny. We made it upstairs to dress for school and she needed more snuggles while sitting in the floor with mom. I again asked her if she thought she should stay home, having almost convinced myself that I could call the carpool buddy and say we wouldn't be picking up Twinkle's classmate.

But, no Twinkle wanted to go to school and she wanted me to walk her in while she confirmed that the green pancakes were indeed not happening today.

I've actually spared you a lot of details of other whines from this morning. I half expected Twinkle's teacher to call during the day and say she wasn't feeling well.

She had actually turned herself around by the time we picked up her friend. And by "turned around" I mean, swung to the opposite end of the spectrum. But she still seemed like she was right on the edge of swinging back in the other direction. She didn't have a Jack Nicholson look in her eye or anything, but I do find myself wondering how her day is going.

Catch Up

The past week has been a whirlwind. I keep staring at my new daughter's chubby cheeks and beautiful face and can't wait to look at her in person. Today we sent our acceptance letter back to our agency which they will send to China and we'll start the wait for travel approval. People from our agency who received their referral in February had about a 4 week wait for travel approval, so I'm going to try not to get to antsy before that.

Twinkle had a couple of rough days at school last week. There were 2 days that she had to sit out PE because she wasn't listening to the teacher. I think not listening is one of her biggest problems and I hope it's her being 5. I know when she's older she won't listen in other ways, but I'm ready for this to pass. She said she wasn't listening because she was so excited about her sister. I hope so. I was pretty scattered last week myself.

Oddly, on Friday, I woke up cranky. I told a friend that I think I used up all my happy and excited feelings at the beginning of the week and cranky was all I had left. My trip to the gym and a visit with my trainer Friday mid-morning helped, but I had a small bit of cranky following me around all day.

Saturday, we had a little party to celebrate our referral. We had four couples and their kids over to help us celebrate. We opened the bottle of Dom that some other, out of state, friends had sent us a year or two ago, so we kind of felt like they were here with us, too. Hubby and I talked earlier in the day about sharing the Dom with friends. We didn't mind, but we did feel like being a little selfish and pouring our glasses first and getting more than just a little taste. Cause really, when are we going to have Dom again?

Today, Hubby talked to his sister, who is still going on and on about the journal my MIL read at Uncle J's visitation . Good Lord. I think the main worry that she has is that Hubby is journaling about her in not so good ways. A friend told me a quote one time that I think of often: "You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how rarely they did." Or something like that. Anyhoo, it constantly amazes me how someone's death can actually not be about the dead person. All of these people have to make it about themselves. Let's not think about the other 100+ pages in the journal that made no mention of my MIL at all. You know the ones that had realizations that Uncle J had over the last several months when he knew he was dying. Something that someone else could read and, I don't know, learn from.

Now, my MIL just called. Hubby is out on the deck talking to her. She called to see how things are going, but now I can hear Hubby talking about his nutty sister. I think it's funny how she tries to drag him into all the drama, and he just doesn't take the bait.

Families.... Can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em for scrap.

From One End of the Spectrum to the Other

Last week on Monday, we spent the afternoon at the hospital with Hubby's uncle and his family just hours before his uncle died.

This week on Monday, we finally received our referral for our daughter from China. We've been in this process for 2 years now, and it feels great to finally see our baby girl's face. She's just too cute.

Next we wait for travel approval and wait to find out when we'll travel. It will most likely be in May, but there is a lot to do between now and then and I think that time will go by surprisingly quickly.

It's Funeral Time, Let The Wackiness Ensue

Today was the funeral for Hubby's uncle. It was a very nice service with a lot of wonderful memories shared by several people. Twinkle went and, aside from acting like the 5 year old that she is, did well. I'm not sure the child could listen to save her life. Literally. But that's another post.

Last night was the visitation. These are usually right up there with bamboo shoots under the fingernails with me because they usually involve an open casket. I don't have anything against seeing dead bodies. What bugs me is the number of people that say, "Oh, he/she looks so good." Uh, no. He looks dead. He never looked like this in real life. He would never wear that color lipstick.

Luckily, the visitation and the funeral were both closed casket. So, I got to hear other ridiculous statements instead. Not the least of which came from my mother in law - the sister of the recently departed:

"We sprung for the flowers on the casket." Me: Hmm, ok. Hubby: "Are they real?" while walking toward the huge spray of who knows how many long stemmed red roses on the casket. MIL: "Well, I would hope so considering how much I paid for it."

Did you see that coming? Wait, you don't know my MIL. You may not have seen it coming. She, as is her usual, went on to repeat 3 or 4 variations on the theme of "I spent a lot of money on the flowers". OK, we get it. You're wonderful to spend so much money on your one and only brother who died too young. OK, OK!!!! (I think 60 is too young)

The other interesting "episode" from the visitation involved the presence of a journal of the departed. It was one of those that has a different question on each page and in answering you kind of write most everything that has occurred during your life. I think it's a great thing to have when you've lost a loved one. MIL decided "I'm going to read J's diary". OK, live it up. Then I hear, "Well!" Hmmm, I think, she's gonna get herself worked up. She was on a page where the question was something along the lines of listing happy memories with your siblings. Dear Departed J, who had one sibling, apparently had no wonderful, heart-stopping memories involving his sister, my MIL, and wrote just that.

She pointed this out to me and I said, "You need to put that book down and stop reading it." Which, of course, she did NOT do. Fast forward five minutes and I hear another Marge Simpson grumble. I'm not sure what the question was, but Uncle J had written something along the lines of "I think I was treated better because [MIL] always picked on me." OK, this is something even I know, and I'm only married into this nuthouse. I told her again, "REALLY, put the book down." NOPE. I wandered away. She read every page. I'm sure she missed some really profound deep thoughts in there. Having cancer for 2 years can make a person think. But, I think she was looking for her name. I think there are issues to be sorted, and I wonder if she'll ever sort them out.

What's interesting is J had 2 children, one male, one female. As did my MIL. I can't say the relationship between Hubby and his sister is great, but they don't hate each other. Their cousins? HATE. Apparently they don't really speak to each other. EVER. Wait that's not true. The did manage to trade comments over their father's death bed on Monday. And evil eye looks. They are polar opposites and can't stand each other. There's way too much to go into, but it's just crazy. I could detail why I think one is worse than the other, but again, I don't have all of the facts. There is probably so much that has gone on between them that I can't even fathom.

All in all, it was nice to talk about fond memories of J. Some of the behavior was slightly entertaining if also sad. Some of the behavior was just annoying and wrong.

What more could you want out of a funeral?