Several times over the past 8 1/2 months I've said, "I'm worn down." Just the day in, day out of survival mode with my 2 beautiful girls is tiring.
In the fall, I decided to go back on my "happy pills". Lately, I've wondered if they sent me sugar pills. Overall, I feel much better taking them than I did before. I know they are working. I've been able to do a lot of things that I know I wouldn't have before. Like play the part of a Bladder (glad that's over).
Today I find myself thinking, "I just thought I was worn down on those other days". Today is a homeschool day. We've done absolutely zero work today (at 10:40).
I'm just tired of fighting. I told Twinkle a couple of times this morning that we were going to have to work hard today so that we could make cookies this afternoon - before we go to soccer practice. She went upstairs and got dressed pretty easily. We got back downstairs, and I was dealing with Sparkle being everywhere at once, and Twinkle started watching a cartoon and I just couldn't fight anymore. Every time Sparkle wanders into the room where Twinkle is, she ends up screaming about something. Sometimes it is Sparkle's temper when she doesn't get what she wants and sometimes it is Twinkle doing something to frustrate her.
I'm just feeling overwhelmed today. With everything. This morning at breakfast, we opened V-day cards and presents. Mr. Swizzle is so much better at this than I am. I could have sworn I bought cards for the girls to give him when I was so proud of myself for getting Valentine cards 2 WEEKS ago. Apparently not. I also didn't manage to get him anything. Of course, he bought himself cologne earlier this week. I don't suppose that counts.
We were looking at the box of chocolates that Mr. Swizzle bought for all of us to share. 10 darks, 10 lights and 4 whites. 14, right? Uh. no. Where's my brain?
Maybe I left it when I backed into that post yesterday. Yeah, in my kick-ass minivan with a backup camera and beeping sensors, I managed to back into a post. It was totally an accident (obviously) and my van early warning system didn't pick up on it until it was too late. But I still feel like an idiot.
Right now, I'm amazed I've been able to string these sentences together. My stomach feels like there's a boulder in it. I can't focus. And I just don't have it in me to make my girls do anything they don't want to do.
Prayers for making it through the day.
UPDATE at 11:15: Twinkle came in to the office, sat down and did her grammar. I started talking to her very seriously about the possibility that this 2 days of homeschool thing isn't for us. That it stresses me and we fight too much. She shed a tear and said, "I don't WANT to go to another school, mommy!" So, I started talking about things we could both do to improve our homeschool days. Her eyes glazed over and she asked, "Can I go play my video games?" I chose the "don't blow up at the child and scare her to death and make my own head explode" approach. I said, "Go for it."
I just don't have anything left.