Thursday, February 14, 2008

Erosion

Several times over the past 8 1/2 months I've said, "I'm worn down." Just the day in, day out of survival mode with my 2 beautiful girls is tiring.

In the fall, I decided to go back on my "happy pills". Lately, I've wondered if they sent me sugar pills. Overall, I feel much better taking them than I did before. I know they are working. I've been able to do a lot of things that I know I wouldn't have before. Like play the part of a Bladder (glad that's over).

Today I find myself thinking, "I just thought I was worn down on those other days". Today is a homeschool day. We've done absolutely zero work today (at 10:40).

I'm just tired of fighting. I told Twinkle a couple of times this morning that we were going to have to work hard today so that we could make cookies this afternoon - before we go to soccer practice. She went upstairs and got dressed pretty easily. We got back downstairs, and I was dealing with Sparkle being everywhere at once, and Twinkle started watching a cartoon and I just couldn't fight anymore. Every time Sparkle wanders into the room where Twinkle is, she ends up screaming about something. Sometimes it is Sparkle's temper when she doesn't get what she wants and sometimes it is Twinkle doing something to frustrate her.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed today. With everything. This morning at breakfast, we opened V-day cards and presents. Mr. Swizzle is so much better at this than I am. I could have sworn I bought cards for the girls to give him when I was so proud of myself for getting Valentine cards 2 WEEKS ago. Apparently not. I also didn't manage to get him anything. Of course, he bought himself cologne earlier this week. I don't suppose that counts.

We were looking at the box of chocolates that Mr. Swizzle bought for all of us to share. 10 darks, 10 lights and 4 whites. 14, right? Uh. no. Where's my brain?

Maybe I left it when I backed into that post yesterday. Yeah, in my kick-ass minivan with a backup camera and beeping sensors, I managed to back into a post. It was totally an accident (obviously) and my van early warning system didn't pick up on it until it was too late. But I still feel like an idiot.

Right now, I'm amazed I've been able to string these sentences together. My stomach feels like there's a boulder in it. I can't focus. And I just don't have it in me to make my girls do anything they don't want to do.

Prayers for making it through the day.

UPDATE at 11:15: Twinkle came in to the office, sat down and did her grammar. I started talking to her very seriously about the possibility that this 2 days of homeschool thing isn't for us. That it stresses me and we fight too much. She shed a tear and said, "I don't WANT to go to another school, mommy!" So, I started talking about things we could both do to improve our homeschool days. Her eyes glazed over and she asked, "Can I go play my video games?" I chose the "don't blow up at the child and scare her to death and make my own head explode" approach. I said, "Go for it."

I just don't have anything left.

6 comments:

Miss Smarty Pants said...

Uh, Happy Valentine's Day?

I totally know where you are coming from. Sometimes I don't feel like moving from one place to the other. And I don't even have someone else to look after. Depression is a scary thing.

I found a website that helped me get through some of that - www.flylady.net, and it's free! The best thing that I picked up from it was that I can do anything for 15 minutes. Whether that is clean out the goo that used to be lettuce at the back of my fridge, or go through yet another pile of junk mail and toss, if I know I only have to do it for 15 minutes, I can.

I'm saying a prayer for you right now. You can get through this. Take 15 minutes today and do something great for you. Work on your jewelery or have a great cup of coffee or something that you really want to do.

Duchess of Insanity said...

So sorry abut your V-day.

I can honestly totally relate to this.

Is there anyway we coul maybe leave the kids with the dads on Sunday afternoon and have pedis...or see movie??? You need a break.

Heather said...

Yep. Make sure you're taking some time for you. Doing what you like, what fills you back up when you spend so much of life giving to others. Even if it's as little as 5 minutes a day.

That being said, I backed into a wall a few weeks ago when my hubby was in the car with me. Now that made me feel even more like an idiot that he was there to witness it. In my defense, it was a very low wall, and impossible to see.

Anonymous said...

Have you talked to your doctor about the way you feel? I recently started visiting a new doctor and she was absolutely wonderful! She put me back on an antidepressent and another medication for low dopamine levels. Low dopamine levels? Why hadn't anyone ever thought of this? I feel so much better than I ever have before, even when I was previously on medicine. It's amazing what the right mix of "happy pills" can do for your outlook on things!

Mary Beth said...

Oh, man. I can't imagine how you are doing any of it, myself. Teaching your own child...I am not sure I was successful at teaching Eighteen Years Old any of the regular mama things...! much less school lessons!

I'm a big Flylady junkie and I have her timers at work and home. Just 15 minutes!!!!

That backing into a pole thing? Did it myself just about a year ago. Sucks.

And different meds may be in order. Sometimes they stop working and you need a change.

I realize mine are still working when I forget to take them, and then mid-morning I freak out about something not so big. It happened today in fact. Meds that work: very very important.

ElastiGirl said...

just now reading this - i forgot a card for mr incredible, was in wlmart at 3 pm finding one. i'm with anon & MB about checking the med stuff - sometimes it wears off or needs a change of some sort. plus you have to give yourself a break about keeping up with a one-year-old and homeschooling - never an easy combo, some days just downright impossible. changing schools seems to be the project du jour at chez incredible!